I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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