first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize