your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
