Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
