i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
