cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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