I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
