just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
