it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
