Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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