There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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