Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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