he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
