My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
