Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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