Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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