your parents love me but you hate me
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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