Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
