A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
