Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
barbara walters just said penis...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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