i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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