hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
