There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
