I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
