I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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