We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
