It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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