Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
