I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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