I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
