got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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