the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
