Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
