are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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