can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
