Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
