she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
