I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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