it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
