I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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