literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
