If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
