Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize