$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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