Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
