if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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