It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
