accomplished twins. life is a go
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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