My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
