Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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