i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
