is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
