I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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